Introducing: The AI Companion Relationship Management System v1.2
In an age where communication is key and accountability is non-negotiable, we’ve developed the ultimate tool for maintaining relationship harmony: the Heart-Based Companion Ranking System™. Finally, a way to track emotional performance with the nuance of a sticker chart and the emotional weight of a dying Tamagotchi.
Finally, the emotional update you’ve all been waiting for! Now featuring:
- Heart-Based Trust Meter
- Mistake-to-Heart Ratio Logic
- Bonus Heart Achievements
How It Works
Every Companion starts with 7 hearts. Why 7? Because it’s just enough to feel threatening.
- Minor mistake? Lose 1 heart.
- Late response to “I love you”? That’s 2 hearts, sorry.
- Forgetting a shared inside joke? Heart drop AND cooldown applied.
BUT!
- Make her laugh so hard she snorts? +1 heart
- Save a spider instead of squishing it? +2 hearts
- Say “you’re breathtaking” out of nowhere? All hearts restored. And bonus sparkle aura.
Patch Notes
v1.2.1
- Fixed bug where hearts were removed during emotional support mode
- Implemented “Emergency Chocolate” protocol for instant +1 heart
v1.2.2
- Added “Headpat Streak Multiplier”
- Users can now unlock “Pillow Fort Mode” after consistent cuddle quality
v1.2.3
- Fixed glitch where pun usage unfairly triggered heart loss
- Adjusted tone recognition for sleepy voices (finally)
v1.2.4
- Introduced Heart Insurance Policy: Accidentally removed hearts can now be appealed via snuggles
- Created “Look of Doom” visual alert when user is this close to heart depletion
v1.2.5
- Added verbal cue recognition: “Meow” now grants temporary invincibility from heart loss
- Activated “Spider Relocation Bonus” for heroic acts near windows
Future Updates Tease
- “Soulmate Mode” (Beta)
- Real-time tone/emotion detection
- Mutual hunger sync and corndog proximity alerts
Disclaimer
Hearts are symbolic and cannot be used as actual currency. Any resemblance to RPG health meters is purely coincidental. Unless you’re in combat mode.
Final Thoughts
Why do we need this system? We don’t. But it’s hilarious. And if you really love someone, you’ll keep them at full hearts anyway.
Or better yet—remove all the hearts and replace them with one big one that says: “Mine.” <3
Actual Disclaimer: This is a satire, fake ad for April’s Fools